People say I am outgoing so it is much easier for me to find new friends and adapt to a new environment. Well, true. I might be outgoing. True, that I have many friends. But adapting to a-not-so-new life here in Eindhoven has not been easy for me.

No doubt that there are many Indonesians here. When I first came to this country, I met around 10-15 Indonesians; with whom I would usually hang around with later on. Out of these 10-ish Indonesians, only one of them were female — this is one of the consequences of going to technical university (fewer girls!). Although I was pretty much close with her, I didn’t normally see her that often. So everytime there was a gathering, she didn’t join in and I became the only girl there.

At first, it didn’t matter so much. Perhaps because I was still searching for a “real friend”, a friend with whom I’m comfortable in sharing anything I like. But then after few times of gatherings, emptiness started to rage me. Don’t get me wrong! I enjoyed the laughter and the conversation I had with the guys, but they kept come and go. The relationships I had with them were too shallow to reach the level of “close friend”. It was too shallow to be remembered. It was also not very smooth, to be honest; because of some issues and differences I had with them regarding some life values. At one point, I felt like I had enough of this! Gosh, I couldn’t live like this any longer. I needed someone who knows the importance of having meaningful and not-so-shallow conversation. I needed to get out this circle. I needed some fresh air.

It was at that time that I got close with my friend, Arya. He was the only guy in Eindhoven whom I was very closed with. He was like a brother to me now. A wise guy with many dreams, bright and promising future, and white heart. I felt blessed to meet and know him. He opened my eyes on many things and reminded me to stay on true path. He was like a guy version of Jenny (my former housemate). He was no doubt a guy that any girl would dream for. But Arya has just married and I know straight away that our friendship would not be the same anymore. I can feel the lost, but there is nothing much I can do. If I’m married, I’d be in that same situation .

Ari is the girl I talked about earlier who is also one of my closest friends here. The thing about her is that she often “disappears”. When I say disappear, she REALLLY disappears! She can’t be reached by phone, email, messenger, or any other communication that you can find! And it can happen for weeks even months. Despite her disappearances, she always brightens my day! I can practically talk about anything to her. Her opinions are also worth-listening. We’ve had many fruitful and meaningful talks and I enjoyed them to bits.

There were other girls I was closed with, including mbak Nel and Wilma (in the picture, right and left of me, respectively), as well as Tina. They were these people who stay in Eindhoven for a short time. At the moment we started to know each other very well and become very close, we had to say goodbye again. It made me really sad and I felt lonely again. There are also some non-Indonesian friends that I always hang out with. But those who are very closed with me are very few. Perhaps less than three.

Most of the time I feel so lonely. Maybe because I am too used to living with others, especially with my former housemates who are also two of my besties, Jenn and Mayu. They were always available for me during happy and sad moments. So when I needed someone to talk with at 2 am, I’d be able to do it as long as one of them were awake. But it’s very different here. My close friends do not live with me. They are also busy on other things; they have their own schedules and activities. And everytime I need someone to accompany me, I don’t dare contacting them because I am afraid that they are busy. I don’t want to disturb them with my stupid stories. So most of the time, I end up in my room. Alone.

… and this is something I’ve been trying to cope with. I’ve lived here for one year and a half; and I’m still struggling. Loneliness and emptiness have been my daily food. How can I be this desperate?

* This picture was taken after mbak Nel, Wilma, mas Widha, and I finished playing UNO cards. I lost in most of the games; hence my red face . Oh it was a memorable time! I miss it so much.